Great put downs

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by ark104 (v2), Jan 8, 2021.

  1. ark

    ark104 (v2) Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2011
    Messages:
    6,016
    Likes Received:
    1,189
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    York
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    One of my old school mates got his US citizenship this week (I know, great timing eh). Anyway, he put it on Facebook and my dad replied:

    "Congratulations, by moving you've increased the average IQ of both the US and the UK"

    Obviously all said with affection, but still brilliant.
     
  2. man

    mansfield_red Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2011
    Messages:
    5,542
    Likes Received:
    6,150
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I think I saw that on fb and it made me laugh, we must have a common friend - is his surname a compass point?
     
  3. ark

    ark104 (v2) Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2011
    Messages:
    6,016
    Likes Received:
    1,189
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    York
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    My friend's is, yes
     
  4. Jay

    Jay Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2005
    Messages:
    35,048
    Likes Received:
    12,578
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    On Sofa
    Style:
    Barnsley
    That has been committed to memory and will be used at an opportune moment.
     
    Archey and ark104 (v2) like this.
  5. Loko the Tyke

    Loko the Tyke Administrator Staff Member Admin

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2005
    Messages:
    9,624
    Likes Received:
    5,789
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I looked in to options for the first stage of getting mine. Was hoping immigration lawyers would be offering a discount due to a lack of demand!
     
    Mr C likes this.
  6. ark

    ark104 (v2) Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2011
    Messages:
    6,016
    Likes Received:
    1,189
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    York
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Haha. His wife's American and their first plan was to settle here but its ridiculously difficult. He's been out there a long time now. He's built a great life for himself but still part of him misses home.
     
    Loko the Tyke likes this.
  7. red

    red24/7 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2015
    Messages:
    3,720
    Likes Received:
    3,130
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    my best one to our lass during a row ,her saying "you think your so smart don't you, but I am always one step ahead of you, don't forget", without thinking I just went "well remind me to go stand on the edge of a cliff then", it was ace she could not go, was stunned into silence for what seemed like an age, but then summoned all her mastery of wit and repartee and went "fukc off you fat get "
     
  8. man

    mansfield_red Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2011
    Messages:
    5,542
    Likes Received:
    6,150
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    More of a comeback than a put down, but at school a teacher told me "stop blowing your own trumpet" so I responded "believe me sir, if I could do that I wouldn't have left the house this morning." He looked like he was about to bollock me for a second and then pissed himself laughing.
     
    leeupo, nezbfc, Austiniho and 6 others like this.
  9. Mr C

    Mr C Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2011
    Messages:
    16,739
    Likes Received:
    2,803
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Saving the world.
    Location:
    Wentworth
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Fuzztones opening for the Damned 85 ish. Was there.
    ‘We might be *******, but you just paid £5 to see us.’ perfect.:)
     
    Redhelen and red24/7 like this.
  10. Mr C

    Mr C Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2011
    Messages:
    16,739
    Likes Received:
    2,803
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Saving the world.
    Location:
    Wentworth
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    ‘Get your hair cut’ -
    ‘What? & look like you?’
     
    Redhelen, Skinner and red24/7 like this.
  11. Spi

    Spirit of 81 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2016
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    As an 18 year old (honest) I remember being in a rather lively pub which had bouncers. Some silly spat developed over whose turn it was on the pool table. In discussion with the bouncers one of my pals was asked, “Are you trying to be clever?” His reply was, “I’m not trying to be clever, I am clever.” We all got chucked out for that but it made the evening far more memorable than another game of pool.
     
  12. Jam

    Jamo Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2014
    Messages:
    4,787
    Likes Received:
    3,343
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I remember hearing Greg James say that on prime time Radio 1 a few years ago and nearly crashed the car
     
  13. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2009
    Messages:
    11,503
    Likes Received:
    4,650
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Carlton
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    That’s brilliant...not as good as yours but still amusing...whenever in a cafe my dad would order his coffee and then while holding his chest he’d often say “i really shouldn’t be having that with what I’ve got” then when the waitress thinking he’d got some kind of illness would ask “oh why love what you got?.” ....He’d hold out 10p
     
    leeupo, Tyke_67, Old Goat and 2 others like this.
  14. Ste

    Steve Wood Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2017
    Messages:
    500
    Likes Received:
    591
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    The Aussie bowler Glenn McGrath asked Zimbabwean batsman Eddo Brandes, "Hey mate, why are you so fat?" Quick as a flash Brandes replied, "Because every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit."
     
  15. George Kerr

    George Kerr Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2016
    Messages:
    919
    Likes Received:
    1,145
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location:
    Hoyland
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Not a put down but a quick comeback. A really good friend, a barrister, was questioning a witness in court. Bearing in mind lawyers are told ,don’t ask a question to which you don’t know the answer. He asked the witness “have you lived in Sheffield all your life ?” The reply “Not yet”.
     
    leeupo, TitusMagee and Redhelen like this.
  16. StatisTYKE

    StatisTYKE Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2011
    Messages:
    453
    Likes Received:
    908
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Occupation:
    Whale hunter
    Location:
    Floating, face down, five miles off Filey Brigg
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I would engage you in a battle of wits.... but I never fight an unarmed opponent
     
  17. man

    mansfield_red Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2011
    Messages:
    5,542
    Likes Received:
    6,150
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Just in case anyone is wondering, I am not Greg James.
     
    Jamo and Redhelen like this.
  18. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2009
    Messages:
    11,503
    Likes Received:
    4,650
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Carlton
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    I wasn’t...he’s witty...sorry couldn’t resist considering what this threads about :D, yeah yeah I know it wasn’t great
     
  19. Spi

    Spirit of 81 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2016
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    33
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    Lots of cricket examples like this!
    Shane Warne: "Daryll, I've been waiting years for the chance to embarrass you again."
    Daryll Cullinan: "Really? It looks like most of the time you spent eating."
     
    leeupo, Redhelen and Tyke_67 like this.
  20. Tyk

    Tyke_67 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    9,023
    Likes Received:
    9,024
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Style:
    Barnsley (full width)
    In Dennis Lillee's autobiography he said he always used to get at the batsmen with “I can see why you are batting so badly, you’ve got some **** on the end of your bat”. At which point the batter would turn his bat over to see. Then Lillee would say "Wrong end mate!" :)
     
    TitusMagee and Redhelen like this.

Share This Page