Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

  1. Lor

    Lordtyke Well-Known Member

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    Husband: Babe, I'm calling from the hospital, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I am in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. My spleen is damaged and I have 7 broken ribs.
    Also, they will have to amputate my right leg above the knee and I have a damaged spinal chord. If I survive I will be in a wheelchair for life.

    Wife: Who is Sabrina?
     
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2019
  2. Hot

    Hotbovril Active Member

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    Where do you find a cow with no legs? Where you left it
    Chickens hate my lawn, it’s impeccable
     
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  3. shed131

    shed131 Well-Known Member

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    Just been to see the doctor he asked.. How's your sex life.. I replied
    Infrequent.... He looked up from his key board smiled and asked..
    One word or two...
     
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  4. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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  5. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman had been stranded on a desert island for years when they find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The Englishman wishes he was off the island and back home. The Scotsman wishes the same. The Irishman thinks about his wish for a few minutes then says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
     
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  6. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    A bloke is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s another knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
     
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  7. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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  8. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she replied.

    "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
     
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  9. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see a thing."
     
  10. Bar

    BarnsleyReds Well-Known Member

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    I was born with no eyelids, so they used my foreskin to make them for me.

    Now everything looks cockeyed.
     
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  11. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are captured by some cannibals while trekking in a remote rain forest.

    The cannibals take them hostage and tie them up to await their fate.

    The chief of the cannibal tribe explains to them that they are going to be tortured before being boiled and eaten with their skin being used for canoes but that they can, if they choose, kill themselves.

    The Englishman asks for a bottle of arsenic poison, swallows it and promptly dies.

    The Scotsman asks for a gun and promptly shoots himself in the head, dying instantly.

    The Irishman asks for a knife. The chief grants him his wish and passes his a large hunting knife. The Irishman then starts to stab himself on his legs, arms and body.

    The chief looks completely bemused and asks him what the hell he is doing. The Irishman stops stabbing himself and sings 'I've ruined your canoe, I’ve ruined your canoe'.
     
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  12. Donny Red

    Donny Red Well-Known Member

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    A very attractive blonde was attempting to get on the bus. Only problem, was she was wearing
    heels and a very tight pencil thin skirt. She couldn't raise her leg high enough, so she reached
    to the back of her skirt and loosened the zip.

    She still struggled, so she reached behind again and pulled the zip down. Out of the blue the
    guy behind her put his hands round her waist and gently lifted her up onto the platform.

    She was really angry and said to him " what the hell do you think you're doing."
    He said " well the second time you pulled my zip down, I took it that you were trying to tell
    me something."
     
  13. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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  14. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    Rafa Benitez has left Newcastle for a potential move to China.
    Huawei The Lads.
     
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  15. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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  16. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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  17. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

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    As my Dad used to say. “Like peaches when I married her. Nar like Gunga Dins watter bags.” :)
     
  18. shed131

    shed131 Well-Known Member

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    Tits like a slate layers nail bag...
    Nipples like Massey - ferguson wheel nuts
     
  19. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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  20. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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